Phu and Krit meet at a psychiatrist’s clinic. Phu is called in first, and Krit resigns himself never to see the handsome boy again only to find Phu waiting after his session.
A romance ensues, but things only appear good on the surface. The reality of their manipulative motivations will soon be revealed in I Love / Kill You.
Both Phu and Krit have experience dating other males, including relationships with older men. This detail was surprising for me to read, as well as the implications of sexual intimacy, as until reading I Love / Kill You I only had familiarity with censored fiction and historical fantasy from China. I was happily surprised when the sexual relationships between the main couple, as well as their past partners are referred to directly, instead of only vaguely alluded to with metaphors or cultural-specific terminology.
I have a histrionic personality disorder—the disorder that brought with it the desire for all the spotlights, eyes, and attention to fix on me.
Likes / Dislikes
The first chapter opens with a meet-cute after both characters spend time with a mental health professional, and I think that a lot of the story relies on this fact. There are cliches (one could say stigmas) pertaining to mental health care and the conduct of mental health patients in their communities and interpersonal relationships. Krit’s diagnosis is defined within narrative, but it feels like a cheap ploy used to excuse his apathy and self-serving attitude.
The second half of the book focuses on the building tension, and suspicions Phu and Krit each have regarding each other, and makes for a fast-paced read. It took me a couple weeks to get through the first 100 pages, but then I finished the rest of the book in two days.
Between the suspicion that your boyfriend committed something and the certainty that he killed somebody, which would you choose?
The translation in the first half of the book is not very well done (and I curse myself for not being able to speak every language so I can simply read the original source material). The cadence and meter of the sentences are structured in a way that make it difficult to understand. Several times I had to pause and re-read (anywhere from a single sentence to several paragraphs) in order to understand what was conveyed.
Due to this, settling into the narration didn’t happen automatically. I had to force myself to absorb the details and relate to the characters through repetition and sheer will until it clicked in my brain.
This isn’t a fault of the original author (or the translator). Multiple languages have different sentence structures and approaches when referring to the subject. Determining how to handle and convey these details is a monumental undertaking, so I have the utmost respect to all translators working in the publishing industry. Pleasing every reader is impossible without translation, so this is a minor irritation of writing quality, as far as I’m concerned.
I love the cover art! It captures the stakes and drama that will unfold very well. I bought this book because of that cover (I was sold on purchasing it before I read the summary).
…delusions and thoughtfulness share the same principle, using a lot of thoughts. The difference, however, is that consciousness regulates thoughtfulness, while nothing regulates delusions.
Too Much / Not Enough
The (multiple) plot twists revealed in the second half of the book are excellent. It’s a good thing there are multiple twists, because the first one is super obvious, and the last one (tied to the cliffhanger ending) really threw me for a loop, and I loved that!
I would have liked to have more information about the upbringing of both characters. There is some information about Phu’s mother’s mental health struggles, and Krit does reference his family and home to Phu, his friends, and his psychiatrist, but the majority of the novel feels like it takes place in a bubble where both boys are focussed primarily on each other.
On the one hand, this approach is a clever narrative device that emphasizes their mutual obsession, the toxicity of young love, and how easy it is to lose sight of oneself when presented with something fresh and enticing. The counterpoint to that, unfortunately, is it makes the story feel flat and one-dimensional. Similar to how high school aged characters in various media are comprised of the same overused stereotypes, without additional substance to explain behaviour and motivation, the reader is forced to accept the actions of the main characters at face value, instead of being led to believe this is a genuine step taken by a fully realized personality.
Not every tale tackling mental wellness needs to be an allegory for how the world largely stigmatizes and systemically abuses individuals in need of mental health care and consideration. However, I would have preferred to see the mental health aspect of the narrative treated more seriously. That said, the way both characters subvert the expectations of their diagnoses (and likewise succumb to them) is still interesting.
…destiny is a branch of physics that exists in the universe as a natural force unexplainable by humans, whose equations are still underivable, deemed as far-fetched by many.
Rating / Recommendation
If you don’t like reading books that are translated into English (first of all, fuck you), this might not be a good story to start with. I’ve been reading translated novels for five years, and this one is not on par with ones translated via traditional publication houses. I have grown accustomed to seeing footnotes detailing cultural / historical references, and explaining nuanced behaviour localized to the area of the world the characters are from. Counter argument; if you hate footnotes, but like translated media, this could be a great read! It all comes down to preference.
If you hate cliffhangers, or prefer to read the entirety of a series back-to-back instead of waiting undetermined amounts of time for subsequent novels to be released, perhaps wait on this one. The cliffhanger is the final twist in the story, and I find it bittersweet because I loved the reveal but hated that there is no more for me to read yet.
I enjoyed it (even though it took me a while to feel immersed in the story). I did find it to be an entertaining read, and I loved the twist the ending.
I’m definitely going to read the sequel I Still Love / Kill You, and I’m looking forward to checking out the drama when they’re both released.
Have you ever had feelings for the bouquet you bring to your significant other?